I hated being alone almost my entire life. I have figured out why I hated it so much and a lot has to do with how I was raised, but I just hated it. The “need” to be with someone has driven many a bad fucking decision, but alas, I am who I am.
I have learned to not hate it anymore.
It could be that no matter what, Charlie my lab is always there loving me or it could be that I know I will not be alone for long, but it changed this year.
Recently I embraced being alone. Being alone in my own head or using the time to improve the skills I want to improve became second nature. Trying to be “better” at shit I suck at, is not in my plan. Being a “better” person or a “better, whatever”, is the absolute wrong way to look at life. Improve what you do well, not what you are bad at!
Why try to be better at things you suck at, as opposed to being the best at the things you are good at? This year, I took that mantra to heart. I got better at being what I am really good at.
Now, how do you know what you are good at? Hard to do. You could just assume you are good at something and in reality really suck at it. This is called a complete lack of introspective, which I cannot help you with. How then can you tell what you are good at? Honestly, I have no clue. I do know what makes me happy though. Knowing what makes you happy narrows down what you may be good at. Do what you love and love what you do sorta thing. If on the other hand, you suck at what you love to do, stop reading now and drink more from that bottle that is sitting idle next to you on the couch.
I know that when I’m active, I’m happy. I know when people are helped by me, I’m happy. I know when I do shit people say cannot be done, I’m happy and I know that when I do shit that really perplexes people and makes them see something in me they never thought existed, it makes me happy. Good shit or bad shit, I like to surprise. I know, I feel you on that point, keep reading thou……
You see, I am the ultimate human. Completely flawed and real. Completely messed up and controlled. Completely imperfect in all the perfect ways. I am someone I always wanted to be; someone few people look at and say they never want to be like and yet other people who say they do.
Who I always wanted to be was someone who was not another person. I always wanted to be unique and I have accomplished my goal. The idea that I could be someone you meet again drives me nuts. I want to make you know that there is no one like me. That is what I love to do. I do it well in business and in personal. I have accomplished my goal of being unique and I learned how to monetize it. To a person, if you poll those that know me, they will tell you I am unlike anyone they ever met. I fucking love that. It is me after-all and I guarantee there will be responses that are not meant to be positive. Yes, I know how that may come across as being arrogant, but for fucks sake, it’s my blog and you are reading it. I did not come to your home and force you to read this, so work with me.
OK, so back to the focus about being alone. The thing about being alone is that you need to actually think about what you’re doing. You have to think about what you want. I have been alone a lot this year, dealing with the rejection of a woman last year and being rejected by the the mom of my kids and my kids…..along with sorting out what life was all about. You know, just a normal day.
I sought help in the form of therapy, which did nothing but make me doubt all the things that got me from being a poor kid to one who is no longer. Therapy may be for some, but I think it is a waste of time for me. Being alone made me realize what I want to be better at and for that I am happy. I also spent a bit of time alone around a lot of people recently, but in a cage. I have to tell you, in the last thirty years, I have not felt more comfortable than that day. I cannot go into detail about it, but it was one of the best days of my life. I fucking loved being back in an element I grew up in and it made me realize what I really miss, but not in a way that I desire it back in my life, in a way where I knew I could “solve” the problem given my inherent skills. I knew I could survive on “me”. I knew it was all about being an animal to survive, not dealing with the bullshit of society or saying the right thing. It was just “me” and I loved it. It made me even more powerful in a way I was lacking. Being alone in my head, in that place, made me realize that what I am doing now in life is not what I want.
So, being alone, either really “alone” or “alone within your own head”, should be beneficial. I say that only because I am now, as a human, really happy for the first time in a very long time and I have a few “alone” days to thank for it. I also have a very special person to thank for it. A person who has shown me that if I stick to being who I am, they will be there to push me, support me and level anyone in my path. If I am honest with them, they will never leave my side, no matter how imperfect I may be. A person who is the human incarnation of, “follow me, join me or get the fuck out of my way”. A person I was meant to meet.
Funny part about endings; they create beginnings and this is a perfect example of that.
Here is how I have spent a few months alone for the most part; I bartended and learned how to deal with people I forgot how to deal with, I went back to training Wing Tsun to complete my black belt and it not only retaught me discipline and patience, it also made me remember what broken ribs feel like. I learned to refine my skill of reading people thereby keeping shit heads out of my life and I spent time not giving a fuck about how I look.
I remember someone once told me that they “cared about me before I got into shape”. What a stupid fucking thing to say, I thought, but it made me realize that how I look means very little in the big scheme. Now I simply don’t care. She was right in that how I look matters little to the overall desire someone has to be within your life, to a degree. It is an “enhancement” I suppose.
So, be alone. Try it. Be alone for a few days, few weeks or a few months. I bet you come out on the other side feeling amazing and things start to happen for a reason. I bet the people you meet are the people you are supposed to meet, the people that are to be in your life and visa versa. I bet that being alone becomes something you desire at times, even without the TV on.
I am alone this weekend and writing like a mad man, posting random things here and there, but alone and loving it. Don’t get me wrong, I will not be alone past Monday, but while I am, I have learned how to use the time to get really incredible at what I am already good at and that is all I need. I no longer need “someone” there while I am alone. I have someone inside that never leaves.
It’s all I need to make sure I know how amazing life is and how lucky and happy I am in it. Being alone taught me that I escaped from my childhood of not only fearing I would be left alone but fearing I WAS ALONE, to become an adult who can operate independently and embrace being alone. I did that without the people in my life telling me I am wrong. I did that all on my own, while I was alone.
Learning how to be alone brought to me what I always wanted. It is absolutely true; you will receive what you need when you are not looking for it AND when you are ready for it.
Be alone, I dare you! You will end up loving yourself or, if you are lucky, you never know who may come up to you and say, “Is this seat taken?”