After a Long Marriage, What Is It Like to Date Again After 50?

After my most recent relationship ended, I joined a rock-climbing gym.

Not Hinge.

Not Bumble.

A rock-climbing gym.

That turned out to be a much better idea.

My son had taken me there once before.

I noticed the climbing.

But I noticed the people more.

They seemed down to earth.

Focused.

Methodical.

And, quite frankly, ridiculously fit.

I liked their energy.

So, I joined.

And started going alone.

Get Out

That's really my answer to dating after 50.

Get out.

Not necessarily on a date.

Just out.

After a long relationship ends, there is a period that feels a little like withdrawal.

Someone who was woven into your life is suddenly gone.

Feel that.

Miss them.

Be pissed off.

Be sad.

Let your friends love you.

But don't let them carry your pain or make decisions for you.

Unless you plan on marrying one of them.

Only you know what you truly want.

I have seen too many people make terrible decisions because a friend convinced them to. You have a mind and a body, listen to them both.

And for God's sake, don't spend your time watching what your ex is doing.

Then get up.

After my marriage ended, I went looking for someone.

This time I decided to look for something else.

A room I wanted to be in.

Find Your Room

People always tell you to join something after a breakup.

Fine.

Join what?

A knitting circle?

Competitive pickleball?

Medieval sword fighting?

I think there's a better test.

Go somewhere once and look around.

Not at the activity.

At the people.

Do you like them?

Do you like their energy?

Would you want to be part of that room even if you never got a single date from it?

That's your room.

Mine happened to have 40-foot walls and a disturbing amount of Lycra.

So, I kept going back.

Then, as my life always seems to go, a woman at the gym started helping me understand what the hell I was doing.

She knew the gym.

I didn't.

She knew climbing.

I definitely didn't.

We started talking.

Then laughing.

There was an energy between us.

Next thing I knew, we were sitting in a pub up the street having a pint of Guinness.

She's Irish.

I ordered Guinness.

Apparently, I like to take risks.

I hadn't gone looking for her.

I had gone climbing.

There is a difference.

Your Energy

This is the part I think we forget after a relationship ends.

Someone leaves your life and it's natural to wonder what that says about you.

Don't.

You are still you.

Someone fell in love with you before.

Why?

It wasn't your dating profile.

It was your energy.

Your humor.

Confidence.

Curiosity.

Intensity.

Kindness.

Whatever combination makes you, you.

People can't really see energy.

They feel it.

And once they feel it, they start to see you.

That's why getting out matters.

You can't put energy in a dating profile. You have to walk into the room.

And Then You Meet Someone

Then comes the part I wasn't prepared for.

Someone new actually likes you.

Now what?

Years in a relationship can screw with you a little.

Your ex knew you.

Your moods.

Your tells.

How you communicate.

When you need space.

When you absolutely don't.

This person knows none of that.

They just met you.

Don't expect them to understand things it took somebody else years to learn.

And don't make them prove they won't hurt you the way somebody else did.

They didn't do it.

Maybe your ex did.

Bring what you learned from your last relationship.

Leave the relationship itself behind.

Otherwise, your ex is participating in your new relationship.

Without even being there.

That's probably one relationship too many.

So What's It Like?

So, what is dating after 50 actually like?

Better than I expected.

Much better.

Although I suspect I won't have to date again.

And the funny part is I figured that out by stopping trying to date.

I went climbing.

I found a room I wanted to be in.

Someone noticed me.

I noticed her.

The rest happened on its own.

Maybe that's the answer.

Don't go looking for your next person. Go find your next room.

Paul Harkins